Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 006: Tequila Forfeits At Lunch

The apology-in-advance email from Ben, when it came, as you and I both knew it would, made its appearance in my in-box just before lunch the next day. Standing me up seemed to be a male line trait in their family. I just had a feeling that if it wasn’t going to be Richard letting me down for the dinner date tomorrow night, then it would be Ben coming up with an excuse for why we couldn’t do it. And I hadn’t forgotten that Ben still owed me a proper apology for standing me up in the bar – however, I wasn’t pushing that because he might ask me what I’d done instead of sitting around waiting for him, and I wasn’t ready to tell him about my new friend Zoe. She was going to be my little secret! If I couldn’t talk to Jen and everyone about Ben and the things I had been getting up to recently, then at least Zoe represented someone I could talk to.

So, back to the email. It sat there, resplendent in bold text, simply daring me to click on it and open it up. A virtual Pandora’s box for the information age. Should I click on it, and let loose on the world the ills contained therein, or do I have the fortitude to ignore it and simply delete it, consigning it to the trashcan frustrated?

Unfortunately the preview pane was turned on so I could se everything it said straightaway.

It was a one line invitation to meet at a bar close by for lunch. No hello, no how are you, no apologies for standing me up, just “I’ll see you at twelve-thirty” and named a very old, out of the way pub in the city centre, between the car parks and the building sites. ‘Quiet and secluded’ was one way to describe this pub; ‘abandoned and forgotten’ is probably a better way though. Of course, there was no way I was going to meet him. The invitation was downright rude and he probably wouldn’t even bother turning up. Nope, I would stay in my office with the pasta salad I’d prepared this morning and read The Guardian.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005a: Caught Watching

Authors Note: this ‘extra ‘chapter, which doesn’t appear in the synopsis, is dedicated to my favourite and most impatient reader!

An  invitation to dinner – even if it is an invitation to dinner with the boyfriend you’re not sleeping with and the son that you are – is an excuse to buy a new outfit, and whilst I’m not quite the trend whore that some people are it’s still nice to look good and make an effort, don’t you think? There’s a huge shopping centre near me, and although most of the time it seems like exactly the same shops as everywhere else (honestly, don’t you think every high street in every town is just like every other?) there are a couple of places where you can get some really nice stuff. After an enjoyable couple of hours cruising for bargains – I am so the Great White Bargain Hunter – I noticed that time was drawing on. After a quick cappuccino to revivify myself, I headed for the car park.

The car parks are huge, and because I’d elected to go in the evening all the closest spots to the exits were full. This meant I’d had to park near the cinema entrance, which was several minutes walk from where I was. The path took me away from the main car parks and round an altogether nicer area along the canal. Happy at the thought of a nice dinner party, and the unlikelihood of any bizarre sexual shenanigans whilst Richard was with me, I was almost skipping along as the last remnants of the sun painted red rivulets across the sky.

I was about to round the last little copse of trees that separated me from my car when I heard the noises. It was a girl’s voice, or rather, a girl making the noises. My first thought was one of panic – this secluded spot would be the perfect place for a mugging, or even rape.

Caught between screaming for help and simply running away, I stood petrified by my own indecision. When my legs became my own again I had the presence of mind to dart into the clump of trees immediately to my left, seeking a vantage point from which I could make an informed decision. I’d already snapped open my phone to make the call when I saw them.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005: Come Dancing

“Hi Caitlin, call for you.” A call for me at work was in itself a surprise. That the voice on the end of the phone belonged to the receptionist Adele was even more of a surprise.

“Thanks Adele. I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to be back at work. How are the boobs?” She’d gone up a couple of cup sizes, and the op had left her bruised and tender.

“Well, the bruising has mostly gone down, but I can’t really bear anyone to touch them, which is a bit of a shame because-”

“Yes, I can imagine. Who’s on the phone?”

“Sorry?”

“The phone call for me, who is it speaking?”

“Oh, somebody called Ben. Hey, call down in a bit, I’ll show you the girls now the swelling has gone down.” There was a click on the line and Ben was patched through. Funny, even down the phone I could tell he was grinning.

“You okay?” That was it. No ‘hi’, no ‘how are you’, just launches straight into it. Oh, hang on, he did just ask if I was okay. See, I was already busy being indignant; I wasn’t actually paying attention to what he said.

“Your father nearly caught me. I’d only just got in the kitchen and taken of my shoes and he came in.”

“Did he know anything was wrong? Do you think he-”

“No Ben, don’t panic, he didn’t suspect anything. Quite the opposite in fact, he- ” I stopped, abruptly. I may have just gone down on a teenage prostitute in front of him but I wasn’t going to discuss the sex life I shared with his father – it just wasn’t proper.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 004: In The Car

Kitchen looking like the morning after Glastonbury; check. Clothes strewn over chair in corner of bedroom; check. Caitlin wearing expensive perfume and even more expensive underwear, which remains indecently undisturbed; check. Caitlin wearing expression displaying equal parts sexual frustration and annoyance whilst staring into darkness; check. The clincher – is there medium tending towards heavy snuffling/snoring from somewhere to my right? Of course there is. Once all the above boxes have been ticked, the conclusion can only be that Richard is spending the night.

At first I was quite pleased. In fact, it would not be unfair to say that a month ago I would actually have been quite excited by the prospect of having my boyfriend stay over for the night; something about it making us seem like a real couple. However, in view of the events of the past week or so, I am rather underwhelmed by today’s events, and distinctly underwhelmed by tonight’s lack of events.

It was nice that he called me at work to say that he was unexpectedly free tonight and wanted to come round. I might even go so far as to say that it put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. However, once I saw him unpacking supermarket carrier bags I knew that things were not going to go quite as I would like.

You see, Richard likes to think of himself as a master chef, some sort of experimental kitchen whizzkid. The reality is that if there were such a program as ‘Vaguely Incompetent Chef’ Richard would be stood on that podium every time – it’s not that he’s bad, but his cooking technique relies on pairing unexpected ingredients and hoping that the results pass FDA guidelines on being fit for human consumption. Think Dr. Moreau’s island for food, and you’re somewhere close.

But that’s not the worst bit, bad as it sounds. I haven’t got to the bad bit yet, but I needed to go through that preamble so that you would understand why the bad bit is quite so bad, and what it is bad in relation to, because it sounds fairly innocuous. Richard likes to have a glass of wine while he cooks.

He’s quite a burly chap so he thinks he can take his drink. Because it takes him so long to do things (which is strange, seeing as everything about his cooking style seems so spontaneous) Richard can easily go through a whole bottle of red, and is usually into a second before he even sets the starter on the table. Then we have a bottle or two with the meal, and another couple of drinks when we’ve settled down afterwards. At one point, I swear to God, I looked up at Richard and the grim reaper was stood behind him. But he wasn’t wielding a scythe, he was waggling a crooked little finger at me and grinning, and I knew that the curse of brewer’s droop had already ended any chance of sex for me tonight.

Still, I tried. I managed to get him into bed at a relatively early hour, before he had chance to complain about being tired. The red set with black lace came out, as did the Chanel. My attempts at seduction were as futile as George Bush’s attempts at apelling. Richard was already in bed when I came out of the bathroom, and snuffling/snoring by the time I’d got into bed. And that’s a full recap of my day, starting with unexpected and welcome surprise, veering towards domestic anarchy, and ending up with equal amounts of predictability and monotony.

Until my phone beeped to say I had a text.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 002: Changing Room

Caitlin’s log: Sunday, 10 a.m. I’m lying in bed with a terrible, nagging ache. You’d be forgiven for thinking I’d gone ten rounds with a Cabernet Sauvignon, but you’d be wrong. The ache was spiritual rather than physical, the apocalyptic realisation that for the third night running I’d lain awake for hours before falling asleep, contemplating all manner of things related to re-igniting my sex life. See? That’s what I keep doing, dressing the issue up in euphemisms – “re-igniting my sex life”, “putting the excitement back into my love life”. I loved Richard, I really did, but I was reaching the point at which I could no longer handle being so ignored. Therefore, you could put it however you liked but in the end we’d still be talking about having an affair.

A quick walk on the park, fresh air and sunshine, would be the tonic required to revivify myself. I tried to help out my elderly neighbours when I could, and walking their dog was one of the ways I could offer my assistance, so after showering and dressing I nipped round to collect the dog (a Greek breed, the dog’s name was Candaules, don’t ask me why). I’d have a walk round the park – school playing fields, technically – drop in at the newsagent, and get back to start on lunch.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 001: First Meeting

“Would you like someone to tie you up whilst you have sex?”

“What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. What was the question?”

“Caitlin, pay attention! Question eleven: have you ever let a man tie you up? Nat and I said yes, and Liz will if she ever stops wasting time and lets you-know-who get into her knickers!”

“Shut up Jen, I’m just making him wait. I just want to make sure, that’s all, just make sure that we’re ready for it!”

“Oh my god, he couldn’t be more ready! His tongue permanently hangs out. He has a thing for you so big you can see it from space! Caitlin, answer the question, we’re nearly there. Ever indulged in a little tying-up?”

“Sorry, no, I’ve never been tied up. Never tied anyone else up. I might have tied someone’s shoes up once or twice, does that count?” I ask, smiling innocently. They all laugh at me. So far I’ve answered no to pretty much every question. Where do they find these silly magazine questionnaires about sex? Is it really necessary to read them all out loud on the tram in the morning? And how is it that I end up answering no all the time? Of the girls that I am with, Liz is the youngest, and even she’s done more than me, if her answers are to be believed. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, seeing as I really did have the worst weekend ever. Shouldn’t have gone clubbing on Saturday night. I ask them for the next question, confident that, as the oldest, sooner or later there must be one that I can answer with ‘yes’.

“Okay, question twelve … ooh, maybe we should skip that. Let’s do thirteen, it’s about anal!”

The Rain

It had been raining while they were in the club, and the streets were slick and greasy. The air was filled with a fine drizzle, but on the whole it was a balmy night, still warm out even though it was past midnight. The air sobered Christian up slightly as he made his way out onto the street. Gail took him by the arm and led him out into the night. They walked for a while, and Chris presumed he was walking her home. They walked and chatted for a few minutes, allowing himself to be led, as she had not revealed their destination. He found himself in an unfamiliar back street, not much more than a narrow alley, dark and slightly off the beaten track. They were slightly hidden from passers-by on the main road by a couple of huge waste bins, but anyone who paid more than slight attention would see them. He turned to ask her where they were, but his words were cut off by a kiss, deep and meaningful. His tongue responded as hers gently pushed its way into his mouth. Her hand was on the back of his neck, pulling him down and into the kiss, so he could not escape even if he wanted to.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 5 (Version VI)

Originally I had no intention at all of meeting Ben again; it was the girls who talked me into it. Once I’d confessed to them that we’d met up for a drink, they were full of questions. None of them particularly like Richard, even though they haven’t met him. But they’ve all been around when I’ve had texts telling me he was going to be late, or heard him on the phone breaking a date. They never thought to ask how far Ben and I had gone on the date, which was good because I wouldn’t have been able to lie very well to them. I did suggest that he seemed ‘interested’, and once that was out they insisted they would frog-march me to meet him if I didn’t agree to go. Surprisingly enough Richard was busy the following night – he had some sort of print worker’s convention that required him to stay overnight – so I was totally free, if I did want to go. I met the girls for lunch, had a glass of wine, and allowed myself to be talked into it.

The bar in question was some way from the scene of our previous date, and c completely different type of bar. It favoured a slightly more mature clientele, which I thought was very considerate of him. Perhaps he’d seen me wincing as I tried to ignore the din from the other bar (do they call it gangster rapping, or something like that?). This one had deep leather sofas in various colours in pairs facing each other, and although the walls were adorned with flat-screen TVs they were easy to ignore. The music was soft and quiet, summery almost, all pianos and glitterballs. I took a stool at the bar and when a very smart barman smiled expectantly and placed a napkin before me, I ordered a gin and tonic.

I was rather hoping that Ben would think I looked rather better out of work clothes – and in partying clothes, rather than just out of clothes altogether. This was my number one LBD, short and silky, delicate cleavage allowing the choice of whether to go with undies or not. I decided I would, simply because I do pride myself on being a connoisseur of lingerie and therefore own many items that he may or may not be lucky enough to get a look at. Underneath this was a pink and black set, very lacy, and not very much of it. The cups gave me rather more cleavage than would normally be available and honestly, there’s nothing that gives a girl more of a confidence boost than looking down and seeing the cleavage of a supermodel. Well, nothing that gives this girl more confidence anyway.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 2 (Version 3)

Standing at the bar, sipping a iced diet coke, I check my watch again. I don’t like unpunctuality, and I’m fairly sure that if an Englishman had drawn up the seven deadly sins it would be on there. Actually, make that an Englishwoman. This Englishman obviously has no compunction about leaving a lady standing at the bar. And then I see him making his way over, and there’s the most curious feeling in my chest. I assume it’s some form of tummy upset and resolve to do an extra fifteen minutes of yoga tonight to sort myself out.

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting, couldn’t get off the phone. Honestly, parents, they fuss over me like I’ve just left home.” I hope he doesn’t see my little look of derision, I’m almost certainly old enough to be his mum. “You okay? No delayed after-effects from your little trip?”

“Umm, thanks for that,” I say, unsure of what else to add to it, or indeed, why I am even here.

Strange Relationship – Prologue and Chapter 1 (Version 2)

It was a Saturday morning in early May, and Caitlin could see the sun streaming through a crack in the curtains. Her alarm clock told her it was just after nine. She smiled and stretched out her arms above her head in an effort to shake a little of the lethargy out of her body. She knew she should get up, but she did like a lie-in at the weekend. She thought she’d give it five more minutes, and curled up in a ball with her hands between her knees.

She tried to work out her itinerary for the day. She was going to have to go shopping at some point, because she knew the freezer was all but empty. She’d recently over-come her fear of getting into a car again, a problem since the accident, and she was going to find herself a runabout. Her son-in-law Ben had promised to help with that when he’d been to football, and she was looking forward to their shopping trip together. She smiled at the little white lie.

She was just looking forward to seeing him, full stop. She’d seen him most days since the funeral and when she wasn’t actually with him, she spent most of her time looking forward to seeing him. They had become very close, like best friends. They talked all the time. She knew, for example, that a couple of times he’d been asked out on dates since the funeral, and each and every time had declined the invitation. They told each other everything. Oops, she though, there’s another lie. I’ve never told him how crazy about him I am.

Since the first time her daughter brought him home she’d suspected she had a crush on him. There was something in his eyes that made her want to give herself to him totally. She would be with him, staring into his eyes, and she would realise he’d stopped talking and was waiting for an answer, and she’d have absolutely no idea what he’d just said.

Strange Relationship – Prologue and Chapter 1 (Version 1)

Prologue

I can still remember the time I first fell under Ben’s spell.

My daughter, Jodie, had been out celebrating her eighteenth birthday in Sheffield. The next day she’d gushed endlessly about a young man she’d met, and she refused to go out for two days because he’d promised to call. He did, despite the number of times her father and I said he wouldn’t. But he did, and she met him for a couple of dates before we got fed up of hearing about him and demanded that she bring him home for us to meet.

It was when he walked through the door and smiled, a boyish smile from beneath a blonde fringe. It was the intensity in his eyes that I remember most from those first few seconds. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Young,” he said in a quiet but purposeful voice. I had to stop myself from telling him to call me ‘mum’ even then. I think I managed to stammer out, ‘call me Caitlin, please’ or something to that effect. But there was a sparkle in his eyes that couldn’t be hidden by any amount of shyness, or his fringe, and it was that sparkle that took my breath away.

The Red Dragon Social Club – Chapter 3

Jayne and Laurent

It was a balmy early summer evening when Laurent’s convertible drew up the long drive leading to the Lomas’ home. The gravel crunched under the tyres as it rolled to a stop by the front door, and Laurent saw the curtains twitch. Seconds later Jayne was at the door, waving to him with a flirtatious smile. Awkwardly, he waved back, uncomfortable with the level of intimacy displayed in her smile. As she walked towards the car he looked her up and down. She was wearing a tailored white blouse, curving over her breasts and gathered at her slim waist, and a knee length black skirt with a daringly high split revealing black stockings, whilst her long naturally blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail. She had a body that a woman half Jayne’s 45 years would be proud of, something she worked at very hard. As she put on her sunglasses she saw Laurent looking her over, and she smiled. Once in the car she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, asking where they were going. He smiled but never replied. Jayne knew that he was still uncomfortable speaking English, but also he was generally what novelists would describe as the ’strong, silent type’. He turned up the volume on the CD player and accelerated away.

The Red Dragon Social Club – Chapter 2

Brian and Michelle

For the intervening week before the next meeting, Michelle was very excited. She was an exhibitionist at heart, and after picking ‘Lapdance’ as their activity she fully expected to be giving one to Brian, and that thought made her wet and excited. At the meeting, Brian explained the plan.

“I’ll pick you up on Wednesday night. We’ll be staying away overnight, and on Wednesday night we shall be going out somewhere very posh and expensive, so you’ll need to dress up. An evening gown sort of dress, not clubbing gear. Shall we say seven thirty? Be dressed ready to go out!”

Midnight Snack

She let herself in, and was hanging up her jacket when she heard a noise from the kitchens. Seeking its source Emma discovered one of the chefs, a middle-aged ex-army chef named Mike. He was divorced, and had taken the job at the hotel mainly for the free lodging. Emma had never been sure about him. They flirted a little, generally quite harmlessly. Although middle age was upon him, he still had the powerful physique of an army man. She caught him with his nose in the huge, stainless steel fridge, fixing a midnight snack. He was wearing pyjama bottoms in a hideous tartan pattern. Christmas present, she suspected.

“Nice PJs. Did mummy buy them?” She teased, sauntering over to him. “I’m starving, and that sandwich looks fantastic. Mind if I have a nibble?”

The Photo Shoot

The shoot was scheduled for a seedy Bronx hotel, all dirty walls and bedraggled furnishings, apparently to highlight the contrast between the exclusive and outrageously expensive lingerie  and the squalid surroundings. Eve had various misgivings about the reasoning behind the location and so on, but mainly wondered why posh women would see these fancy knickers in a Bronx flea-pit and suddenly decide they simply must own a pair.

Toilet Training

Emma vividly recalled the woman, Jenny, and their first meeting. It had been in a nightclub celebrating her eighteenth birthday – surprising the bouncers, with whom she’d been flirting regularly for well over a year. She’d been kissing some guy in a bar earlier and hoped that she might bump into him in the club. As she scanned the dance floor for him, the woman caught her eye and held it for a moment too long. Like Emma she was tall, with cascading curls and a toned figure. Moments later, she was by Emma’s side.

Gallagher & White – Chapter 1

The theft was reported at around nine fifteen, when someone investigated the cause of the draught in the stockroom. Lord Gallagher, the owner of the museum, was informed some ten minutes later and was not amused, although his notorious temper was itself tempered by the small scale of the crime. The most perplexed amongst his staff was the buyer, who had successfully bid on the painting at auction only the previous week. The painting itself had only just been delivered, and indeed had not even been opened, and yet the warehouse supervisor was absolutely adamant that that was only thing missing.