Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005a: Caught Watching

Authors Note: this ‘extra ‘chapter, which doesn’t appear in the synopsis, is dedicated to my favourite and most impatient reader!

An  invitation to dinner – even if it is an invitation to dinner with the boyfriend you’re not sleeping with and the son that you are – is an excuse to buy a new outfit, and whilst I’m not quite the trend whore that some people are it’s still nice to look good and make an effort, don’t you think? There’s a huge shopping centre near me, and although most of the time it seems like exactly the same shops as everywhere else (honestly, don’t you think every high street in every town is just like every other?) there are a couple of places where you can get some really nice stuff. After an enjoyable couple of hours cruising for bargains – I am so the Great White Bargain Hunter – I noticed that time was drawing on. After a quick cappuccino to revivify myself, I headed for the car park.

The car parks are huge, and because I’d elected to go in the evening all the closest spots to the exits were full. This meant I’d had to park near the cinema entrance, which was several minutes walk from where I was. The path took me away from the main car parks and round an altogether nicer area along the canal. Happy at the thought of a nice dinner party, and the unlikelihood of any bizarre sexual shenanigans whilst Richard was with me, I was almost skipping along as the last remnants of the sun painted red rivulets across the sky.

I was about to round the last little copse of trees that separated me from my car when I heard the noises. It was a girl’s voice, or rather, a girl making the noises. My first thought was one of panic – this secluded spot would be the perfect place for a mugging, or even rape.

Caught between screaming for help and simply running away, I stood petrified by my own indecision. When my legs became my own again I had the presence of mind to dart into the clump of trees immediately to my left, seeking a vantage point from which I could make an informed decision. I’d already snapped open my phone to make the call when I saw them.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005: Come Dancing

“Hi Caitlin, call for you.” A call for me at work was in itself a surprise. That the voice on the end of the phone belonged to the receptionist Adele was even more of a surprise.

“Thanks Adele. I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to be back at work. How are the boobs?” She’d gone up a couple of cup sizes, and the op had left her bruised and tender.

“Well, the bruising has mostly gone down, but I can’t really bear anyone to touch them, which is a bit of a shame because-”

“Yes, I can imagine. Who’s on the phone?”

“Sorry?”

“The phone call for me, who is it speaking?”

“Oh, somebody called Ben. Hey, call down in a bit, I’ll show you the girls now the swelling has gone down.” There was a click on the line and Ben was patched through. Funny, even down the phone I could tell he was grinning.

“You okay?” That was it. No ‘hi’, no ‘how are you’, just launches straight into it. Oh, hang on, he did just ask if I was okay. See, I was already busy being indignant; I wasn’t actually paying attention to what he said.

“Your father nearly caught me. I’d only just got in the kitchen and taken of my shoes and he came in.”

“Did he know anything was wrong? Do you think he-”

“No Ben, don’t panic, he didn’t suspect anything. Quite the opposite in fact, he- ” I stopped, abruptly. I may have just gone down on a teenage prostitute in front of him but I wasn’t going to discuss the sex life I shared with his father – it just wasn’t proper.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 004: In The Car

Kitchen looking like the morning after Glastonbury; check. Clothes strewn over chair in corner of bedroom; check. Caitlin wearing expensive perfume and even more expensive underwear, which remains indecently undisturbed; check. Caitlin wearing expression displaying equal parts sexual frustration and annoyance whilst staring into darkness; check. The clincher – is there medium tending towards heavy snuffling/snoring from somewhere to my right? Of course there is. Once all the above boxes have been ticked, the conclusion can only be that Richard is spending the night.

At first I was quite pleased. In fact, it would not be unfair to say that a month ago I would actually have been quite excited by the prospect of having my boyfriend stay over for the night; something about it making us seem like a real couple. However, in view of the events of the past week or so, I am rather underwhelmed by today’s events, and distinctly underwhelmed by tonight’s lack of events.

It was nice that he called me at work to say that he was unexpectedly free tonight and wanted to come round. I might even go so far as to say that it put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. However, once I saw him unpacking supermarket carrier bags I knew that things were not going to go quite as I would like.

You see, Richard likes to think of himself as a master chef, some sort of experimental kitchen whizzkid. The reality is that if there were such a program as ‘Vaguely Incompetent Chef’ Richard would be stood on that podium every time – it’s not that he’s bad, but his cooking technique relies on pairing unexpected ingredients and hoping that the results pass FDA guidelines on being fit for human consumption. Think Dr. Moreau’s island for food, and you’re somewhere close.

But that’s not the worst bit, bad as it sounds. I haven’t got to the bad bit yet, but I needed to go through that preamble so that you would understand why the bad bit is quite so bad, and what it is bad in relation to, because it sounds fairly innocuous. Richard likes to have a glass of wine while he cooks.

He’s quite a burly chap so he thinks he can take his drink. Because it takes him so long to do things (which is strange, seeing as everything about his cooking style seems so spontaneous) Richard can easily go through a whole bottle of red, and is usually into a second before he even sets the starter on the table. Then we have a bottle or two with the meal, and another couple of drinks when we’ve settled down afterwards. At one point, I swear to God, I looked up at Richard and the grim reaper was stood behind him. But he wasn’t wielding a scythe, he was waggling a crooked little finger at me and grinning, and I knew that the curse of brewer’s droop had already ended any chance of sex for me tonight.

Still, I tried. I managed to get him into bed at a relatively early hour, before he had chance to complain about being tired. The red set with black lace came out, as did the Chanel. My attempts at seduction were as futile as George Bush’s attempts at apelling. Richard was already in bed when I came out of the bathroom, and snuffling/snoring by the time I’d got into bed. And that’s a full recap of my day, starting with unexpected and welcome surprise, veering towards domestic anarchy, and ending up with equal amounts of predictability and monotony.

Until my phone beeped to say I had a text.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 5 (Version VI)

Originally I had no intention at all of meeting Ben again; it was the girls who talked me into it. Once I’d confessed to them that we’d met up for a drink, they were full of questions. None of them particularly like Richard, even though they haven’t met him. But they’ve all been around when I’ve had texts telling me he was going to be late, or heard him on the phone breaking a date. They never thought to ask how far Ben and I had gone on the date, which was good because I wouldn’t have been able to lie very well to them. I did suggest that he seemed ‘interested’, and once that was out they insisted they would frog-march me to meet him if I didn’t agree to go. Surprisingly enough Richard was busy the following night – he had some sort of print worker’s convention that required him to stay overnight – so I was totally free, if I did want to go. I met the girls for lunch, had a glass of wine, and allowed myself to be talked into it.

The bar in question was some way from the scene of our previous date, and c completely different type of bar. It favoured a slightly more mature clientele, which I thought was very considerate of him. Perhaps he’d seen me wincing as I tried to ignore the din from the other bar (do they call it gangster rapping, or something like that?). This one had deep leather sofas in various colours in pairs facing each other, and although the walls were adorned with flat-screen TVs they were easy to ignore. The music was soft and quiet, summery almost, all pianos and glitterballs. I took a stool at the bar and when a very smart barman smiled expectantly and placed a napkin before me, I ordered a gin and tonic.

I was rather hoping that Ben would think I looked rather better out of work clothes – and in partying clothes, rather than just out of clothes altogether. This was my number one LBD, short and silky, delicate cleavage allowing the choice of whether to go with undies or not. I decided I would, simply because I do pride myself on being a connoisseur of lingerie and therefore own many items that he may or may not be lucky enough to get a look at. Underneath this was a pink and black set, very lacy, and not very much of it. The cups gave me rather more cleavage than would normally be available and honestly, there’s nothing that gives a girl more of a confidence boost than looking down and seeing the cleavage of a supermodel. Well, nothing that gives this girl more confidence anyway.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 5 (Version 3)

Originally I had no intention at all of meeting Ben again; it was the girls who talked me into it. Once I’d confessed to them that we’d met up for a drink, they were full of questions. None of them particularly like Richard, even though they haven’t met him. But they’ve all been around when I’ve had texts telling me he was going to be late, or heard him on the phone breaking a date. They never thought to ask how far Ben and I had gone on the date, which was good because I wouldn’t have been able to lie very well to them. I did suggest that he seemed ‘interested’, and once that was out they insisted they would frog-march me to meet him if I didn’t agree to go. Surprisingly enough Richard was busy the following night – he had some sort of print worker’s convention that required him to stay overnight – so I was totally free, if I did want to go. I met the girls for lunch, had a glass of wine, and allowed myself to be talked into it.

The Red Dragon Social Club – Chapter 2

Brian and Michelle

For the intervening week before the next meeting, Michelle was very excited. She was an exhibitionist at heart, and after picking ‘Lapdance’ as their activity she fully expected to be giving one to Brian, and that thought made her wet and excited. At the meeting, Brian explained the plan.

“I’ll pick you up on Wednesday night. We’ll be staying away overnight, and on Wednesday night we shall be going out somewhere very posh and expensive, so you’ll need to dress up. An evening gown sort of dress, not clubbing gear. Shall we say seven thirty? Be dressed ready to go out!”

The Photo Shoot

The shoot was scheduled for a seedy Bronx hotel, all dirty walls and bedraggled furnishings, apparently to highlight the contrast between the exclusive and outrageously expensive lingerie  and the squalid surroundings. Eve had various misgivings about the reasoning behind the location and so on, but mainly wondered why posh women would see these fancy knickers in a Bronx flea-pit and suddenly decide they simply must own a pair.

Toilet Training

Emma vividly recalled the woman, Jenny, and their first meeting. It had been in a nightclub celebrating her eighteenth birthday – surprising the bouncers, with whom she’d been flirting regularly for well over a year. She’d been kissing some guy in a bar earlier and hoped that she might bump into him in the club. As she scanned the dance floor for him, the woman caught her eye and held it for a moment too long. Like Emma she was tall, with cascading curls and a toned figure. Moments later, she was by Emma’s side.

Gallagher & White – Chapter 1

The theft was reported at around nine fifteen, when someone investigated the cause of the draught in the stockroom. Lord Gallagher, the owner of the museum, was informed some ten minutes later and was not amused, although his notorious temper was itself tempered by the small scale of the crime. The most perplexed amongst his staff was the buyer, who had successfully bid on the painting at auction only the previous week. The painting itself had only just been delivered, and indeed had not even been opened, and yet the warehouse supervisor was absolutely adamant that that was only thing missing.