Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 007: Watching Me Watching You

Tuesday; the morning after the lunch before. I’m still tingling from my encounter with my boyfriend’s son, but thankfully it’s balanced by the headache that the same encounter also left me with. What I really needed was a nice quiet day at work, I had a hundred simple tasks that I could do that would take my mind off everything. The last thing I needed was to get an email from Ben.

It said simply this:

Log into the instant chat messenger.

Not even signed. I knew it was from him of course, not least because his name appeared in the sender column, but it was also recognizable by his breathtaking arrogance. Another male line trait in their family. For the first of what I guessed would probably be many, many times, I closed down all critical thinking faculties and simply logged in as bidden. He’d added me to his list of chat buddies, and the message came up more or less immediately and was accompanied by the little tinkling bell sound.

> How are you?

I scrabbled around the monitor, looking for any control that might in any language be marked ‘volume’. Several hieroglyphs of possibly Martian origin seemed to indicate half an orange, the big bang, and the water slide at the leisure centre. The message sat expectantly on my screen, seemingly mocking my technical ineptitude. I may have a Masters’, but I can’t turn down the noise from the telly. Ignoring the problem for a moment I typed out a perfunctory reply.

> Very well, thank you. How are you?

Nice and non-committal. No sins indulged with that reply.

> Also very well, thank you for asking.

Before I could think of something clever to reply with that didn’t make me sound like a wanton slut, the bell tinkled again.

> Did you have a good time yesterday afternoon?

How do you answer a question like that? ‘Well yes, I do enjoy a good rogering from a random stranger half my age who turns out to be my boyfriend’s son’. In fact I was about to start typing it, before thinking better. Plumping again for the non-committal, I typed

> It’s a lovely bar, very trendy, and I hear the food is nice too.

Jeez, I could have shot myself. If that isn’t an open invitation to be taken out again then I simply don’t know what is. When the bell tinkled again a minute later I didn’t want to Alt-tab back and look at it. I did though, of course.

> Do you like being tied up?

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 006: Tequila Forfeits At Lunch

The apology-in-advance email from Ben, when it came, as you and I both knew it would, made its appearance in my in-box just before lunch the next day. Standing me up seemed to be a male line trait in their family. I just had a feeling that if it wasn’t going to be Richard letting me down for the dinner date tomorrow night, then it would be Ben coming up with an excuse for why we couldn’t do it. And I hadn’t forgotten that Ben still owed me a proper apology for standing me up in the bar – however, I wasn’t pushing that because he might ask me what I’d done instead of sitting around waiting for him, and I wasn’t ready to tell him about my new friend Zoe. She was going to be my little secret! If I couldn’t talk to Jen and everyone about Ben and the things I had been getting up to recently, then at least Zoe represented someone I could talk to.

So, back to the email. It sat there, resplendent in bold text, simply daring me to click on it and open it up. A virtual Pandora’s box for the information age. Should I click on it, and let loose on the world the ills contained therein, or do I have the fortitude to ignore it and simply delete it, consigning it to the trashcan frustrated?

Unfortunately the preview pane was turned on so I could se everything it said straightaway.

It was a one line invitation to meet at a bar close by for lunch. No hello, no how are you, no apologies for standing me up, just “I’ll see you at twelve-thirty” and named a very old, out of the way pub in the city centre, between the car parks and the building sites. ‘Quiet and secluded’ was one way to describe this pub; ‘abandoned and forgotten’ is probably a better way though. Of course, there was no way I was going to meet him. The invitation was downright rude and he probably wouldn’t even bother turning up. Nope, I would stay in my office with the pasta salad I’d prepared this morning and read The Guardian.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005a: Caught Watching

Authors Note: this ‘extra ‘chapter, which doesn’t appear in the synopsis, is dedicated to my favourite and most impatient reader!

An  invitation to dinner – even if it is an invitation to dinner with the boyfriend you’re not sleeping with and the son that you are – is an excuse to buy a new outfit, and whilst I’m not quite the trend whore that some people are it’s still nice to look good and make an effort, don’t you think? There’s a huge shopping centre near me, and although most of the time it seems like exactly the same shops as everywhere else (honestly, don’t you think every high street in every town is just like every other?) there are a couple of places where you can get some really nice stuff. After an enjoyable couple of hours cruising for bargains – I am so the Great White Bargain Hunter – I noticed that time was drawing on. After a quick cappuccino to revivify myself, I headed for the car park.

The car parks are huge, and because I’d elected to go in the evening all the closest spots to the exits were full. This meant I’d had to park near the cinema entrance, which was several minutes walk from where I was. The path took me away from the main car parks and round an altogether nicer area along the canal. Happy at the thought of a nice dinner party, and the unlikelihood of any bizarre sexual shenanigans whilst Richard was with me, I was almost skipping along as the last remnants of the sun painted red rivulets across the sky.

I was about to round the last little copse of trees that separated me from my car when I heard the noises. It was a girl’s voice, or rather, a girl making the noises. My first thought was one of panic – this secluded spot would be the perfect place for a mugging, or even rape.

Caught between screaming for help and simply running away, I stood petrified by my own indecision. When my legs became my own again I had the presence of mind to dart into the clump of trees immediately to my left, seeking a vantage point from which I could make an informed decision. I’d already snapped open my phone to make the call when I saw them.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 005: Come Dancing

“Hi Caitlin, call for you.” A call for me at work was in itself a surprise. That the voice on the end of the phone belonged to the receptionist Adele was even more of a surprise.

“Thanks Adele. I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to be back at work. How are the boobs?” She’d gone up a couple of cup sizes, and the op had left her bruised and tender.

“Well, the bruising has mostly gone down, but I can’t really bear anyone to touch them, which is a bit of a shame because-”

“Yes, I can imagine. Who’s on the phone?”

“Sorry?”

“The phone call for me, who is it speaking?”

“Oh, somebody called Ben. Hey, call down in a bit, I’ll show you the girls now the swelling has gone down.” There was a click on the line and Ben was patched through. Funny, even down the phone I could tell he was grinning.

“You okay?” That was it. No ‘hi’, no ‘how are you’, just launches straight into it. Oh, hang on, he did just ask if I was okay. See, I was already busy being indignant; I wasn’t actually paying attention to what he said.

“Your father nearly caught me. I’d only just got in the kitchen and taken of my shoes and he came in.”

“Did he know anything was wrong? Do you think he-”

“No Ben, don’t panic, he didn’t suspect anything. Quite the opposite in fact, he- ” I stopped, abruptly. I may have just gone down on a teenage prostitute in front of him but I wasn’t going to discuss the sex life I shared with his father – it just wasn’t proper.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 004: In The Car

Kitchen looking like the morning after Glastonbury; check. Clothes strewn over chair in corner of bedroom; check. Caitlin wearing expensive perfume and even more expensive underwear, which remains indecently undisturbed; check. Caitlin wearing expression displaying equal parts sexual frustration and annoyance whilst staring into darkness; check. The clincher – is there medium tending towards heavy snuffling/snoring from somewhere to my right? Of course there is. Once all the above boxes have been ticked, the conclusion can only be that Richard is spending the night.

At first I was quite pleased. In fact, it would not be unfair to say that a month ago I would actually have been quite excited by the prospect of having my boyfriend stay over for the night; something about it making us seem like a real couple. However, in view of the events of the past week or so, I am rather underwhelmed by today’s events, and distinctly underwhelmed by tonight’s lack of events.

It was nice that he called me at work to say that he was unexpectedly free tonight and wanted to come round. I might even go so far as to say that it put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. However, once I saw him unpacking supermarket carrier bags I knew that things were not going to go quite as I would like.

You see, Richard likes to think of himself as a master chef, some sort of experimental kitchen whizzkid. The reality is that if there were such a program as ‘Vaguely Incompetent Chef’ Richard would be stood on that podium every time – it’s not that he’s bad, but his cooking technique relies on pairing unexpected ingredients and hoping that the results pass FDA guidelines on being fit for human consumption. Think Dr. Moreau’s island for food, and you’re somewhere close.

But that’s not the worst bit, bad as it sounds. I haven’t got to the bad bit yet, but I needed to go through that preamble so that you would understand why the bad bit is quite so bad, and what it is bad in relation to, because it sounds fairly innocuous. Richard likes to have a glass of wine while he cooks.

He’s quite a burly chap so he thinks he can take his drink. Because it takes him so long to do things (which is strange, seeing as everything about his cooking style seems so spontaneous) Richard can easily go through a whole bottle of red, and is usually into a second before he even sets the starter on the table. Then we have a bottle or two with the meal, and another couple of drinks when we’ve settled down afterwards. At one point, I swear to God, I looked up at Richard and the grim reaper was stood behind him. But he wasn’t wielding a scythe, he was waggling a crooked little finger at me and grinning, and I knew that the curse of brewer’s droop had already ended any chance of sex for me tonight.

Still, I tried. I managed to get him into bed at a relatively early hour, before he had chance to complain about being tired. The red set with black lace came out, as did the Chanel. My attempts at seduction were as futile as George Bush’s attempts at apelling. Richard was already in bed when I came out of the bathroom, and snuffling/snoring by the time I’d got into bed. And that’s a full recap of my day, starting with unexpected and welcome surprise, veering towards domestic anarchy, and ending up with equal amounts of predictability and monotony.

Until my phone beeped to say I had a text.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 003: Discovery

The Red Dragon is, I suppose, my local, in that it’s the closest pub to my house. Saying that it’s not actually terribly close, being about a fifteen-minute walk away, and I didn’t frequent it a great deal. Richard loved the place though, being equidistant from his house in the opposite direction, and hence we spent a few Sunday lunches there followed by a walk back to his house. I wasn’t all that keen on eating there, what with owning my own restaurant anyway, and I always felt a little put out that Richard knew all the other patrons so well, whilst I often felt like an arm-adornment. I’d arranged to meet Richard – well, it had been arranged by Richard for me to meet – there.

Swirling the ice cubes around my diet coke, I waited for the inevitable text message to say that Richard would be late. Even the text message was late this time. When it did come through – at 8:45 it arrived fifteen minutes after Richard himself should have – I merely glanced through for an indication of when he would be here, not bothering with the excuses. Sighing to myself, I smoothed down my dress and prepared for the wait.

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” came a cheeky voice from behind me. “No, that one won’t work on you. How about, call heaven quick, there’s an angel missing? No, wait, I’ll get it in a minute. Get your coat, you’ve pulled? What’s a worm do? Any of them likely to let me buy you a drink?”

He was tall and athletic, not bronzed exactly but with a weathered look, the sort of tan you only get from working outdoors, and I had a vision of him digging holes in roads for the council which instantly made him less attractive. Still in muddy shorts, so probably a stray from the boisterous group of young men that had obviously just finished football training (although I suppose it could have been rugby. Wasn’t cricket though, I could tell that much). Nice smile and cheerful eyes. Reasonably gorgeous, actually, but a little too pretty for my liking. Listen to me, I sound like a connoisseur of young men already.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 002: Changing Room

Caitlin’s log: Sunday, 10 a.m. I’m lying in bed with a terrible, nagging ache. You’d be forgiven for thinking I’d gone ten rounds with a Cabernet Sauvignon, but you’d be wrong. The ache was spiritual rather than physical, the apocalyptic realisation that for the third night running I’d lain awake for hours before falling asleep, contemplating all manner of things related to re-igniting my sex life. See? That’s what I keep doing, dressing the issue up in euphemisms – “re-igniting my sex life”, “putting the excitement back into my love life”. I loved Richard, I really did, but I was reaching the point at which I could no longer handle being so ignored. Therefore, you could put it however you liked but in the end we’d still be talking about having an affair.

A quick walk on the park, fresh air and sunshine, would be the tonic required to revivify myself. I tried to help out my elderly neighbours when I could, and walking their dog was one of the ways I could offer my assistance, so after showering and dressing I nipped round to collect the dog (a Greek breed, the dog’s name was Candaules, don’t ask me why). I’d have a walk round the park – school playing fields, technically – drop in at the newsagent, and get back to start on lunch.

Strange Relationship – Version X Chapter 001: First Meeting

“Would you like someone to tie you up whilst you have sex?”

“What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. What was the question?”

“Caitlin, pay attention! Question eleven: have you ever let a man tie you up? Nat and I said yes, and Liz will if she ever stops wasting time and lets you-know-who get into her knickers!”

“Shut up Jen, I’m just making him wait. I just want to make sure, that’s all, just make sure that we’re ready for it!”

“Oh my god, he couldn’t be more ready! His tongue permanently hangs out. He has a thing for you so big you can see it from space! Caitlin, answer the question, we’re nearly there. Ever indulged in a little tying-up?”

“Sorry, no, I’ve never been tied up. Never tied anyone else up. I might have tied someone’s shoes up once or twice, does that count?” I ask, smiling innocently. They all laugh at me. So far I’ve answered no to pretty much every question. Where do they find these silly magazine questionnaires about sex? Is it really necessary to read them all out loud on the tram in the morning? And how is it that I end up answering no all the time? Of the girls that I am with, Liz is the youngest, and even she’s done more than me, if her answers are to be believed. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, seeing as I really did have the worst weekend ever. Shouldn’t have gone clubbing on Saturday night. I ask them for the next question, confident that, as the oldest, sooner or later there must be one that I can answer with ‘yes’.

“Okay, question twelve … ooh, maybe we should skip that. Let’s do thirteen, it’s about anal!”

Strange Relationship – Version X Prologue

The epitome of a clichéd Hollywood leading man, he is tall, dark and handsome; she is pretty, nervous and flattered. Despite the din in the nightclub they’ve been chatting for thirty minutes now and she thinks they’re really connecting. He laughs at her anecdotes, is interested in her job and keen to find out about her as a person. He leans in close, his mouth just a breath away from her cheek, and her heart simply ceases. She’s involved with someone, she’s twice his age and she thinks he’s going to kiss her. Time stretches out as though painted by Dali as he opens his mouth to speak.

“I was wondering…

Strange Relationship – Cast List

These are the people that inhabit the universe of ‘Strange Relationship‘ – I’ve tried to include pics so that you get a sense of what each one looks like. Yes, some of them are modelled on famous people, and others are jus modelled on pics that I found on the web that seemed to match the mental image that I had of them.

Strange Relationship – Version X Synopsis

This represents the very latest version of the plot and the framework that I intend (at this stage at least) to stick to. If you need help working out who everyone is and what their relqationship to Caitlin is, check out the cast list.

Synopsis

Prologue

The prologue is brisk and brief, written in the third person. Caitlin is chatting to a handsome young man in a nightclub. They’re really getting on and she’s steeling herself to make a decision when the inevitable proposition comes. She has a partner, but they’re very disconnected from each other lately and she’s frustrated in many ways. When he leans in to ask a question she holds her breath, but he’s only asking for the phone number of one of the girls Caitlin is out with. She’s crushed but tells herself she shouldn’t be, after all she has a partner and this man was half her age.

Caitlin’s spirits are not raised when the queen bitch, Karen, sees the exchange and casually drops by to rub it in. Later, needing a little time to herself, Caitlin makes her way to the fire escape. She comes across Karen having sex with the same man she was talking to. Karen sees Caitlin, and looks at her the whole time she’s having sex with this man.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 5 (Version VI)

Originally I had no intention at all of meeting Ben again; it was the girls who talked me into it. Once I’d confessed to them that we’d met up for a drink, they were full of questions. None of them particularly like Richard, even though they haven’t met him. But they’ve all been around when I’ve had texts telling me he was going to be late, or heard him on the phone breaking a date. They never thought to ask how far Ben and I had gone on the date, which was good because I wouldn’t have been able to lie very well to them. I did suggest that he seemed ‘interested’, and once that was out they insisted they would frog-march me to meet him if I didn’t agree to go. Surprisingly enough Richard was busy the following night – he had some sort of print worker’s convention that required him to stay overnight – so I was totally free, if I did want to go. I met the girls for lunch, had a glass of wine, and allowed myself to be talked into it.

The bar in question was some way from the scene of our previous date, and c completely different type of bar. It favoured a slightly more mature clientele, which I thought was very considerate of him. Perhaps he’d seen me wincing as I tried to ignore the din from the other bar (do they call it gangster rapping, or something like that?). This one had deep leather sofas in various colours in pairs facing each other, and although the walls were adorned with flat-screen TVs they were easy to ignore. The music was soft and quiet, summery almost, all pianos and glitterballs. I took a stool at the bar and when a very smart barman smiled expectantly and placed a napkin before me, I ordered a gin and tonic.

I was rather hoping that Ben would think I looked rather better out of work clothes – and in partying clothes, rather than just out of clothes altogether. This was my number one LBD, short and silky, delicate cleavage allowing the choice of whether to go with undies or not. I decided I would, simply because I do pride myself on being a connoisseur of lingerie and therefore own many items that he may or may not be lucky enough to get a look at. Underneath this was a pink and black set, very lacy, and not very much of it. The cups gave me rather more cleavage than would normally be available and honestly, there’s nothing that gives a girl more of a confidence boost than looking down and seeing the cleavage of a supermodel. Well, nothing that gives this girl more confidence anyway.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 3 Version VI

With a Sunday afternoon unexpectedly free – many thanks to Richard’s rabble of students, to a man seemingly unable to cope with the dual pressures of actually doing work and handing it in on time, leaving Richard with piles of marking to do – I decided to hit the bookshops. Sounds sad, I know, but I find little to compare with the simple pleasure afforded by wrapping myself in a good book! Internet sites are all terribly convenient, but for me book shopping should be a tactile, sensual experience. I need to pick up and flick through fifty books before I decide. Thus, opting for the tram over the car in case I fancied a glass of wine with lunch, I set off after a long lie-in, feeling distinctly smug that I was enjoying such a laid back Sunday whilst Richard slaved over a pile of hot books.

By two, and with five confirmed purchases already painted on the side of my shopping bag (making me officially a shopping ace) I trained my sights on my favourite Italians – a good red wine and a mushroom pizza! There’s a little place that I like to go for lunch, with the girls sometimes but more usually when I’m on my own, where there are some private little booths, and it was here I aimed to get through a couple of chapters/glasses at my own leisurely pace. The waiter smiled with recognition and, talking and laughing far too rapidly for any comprehension on my part as he showed me to a corner booth, with a single continuous semicircular sofa. I understood through his failure to bring me a menu that he would simply bring my normal order, and when he quickly reappeared with the actual ark that Noah built and begin filling it with red wine I knew he and I were in sync.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 2 (Version VI)

Why is it that, when a bar has pretensions of appearing trendily up-market and exclusive, the first thing they do is stick plastic palm trees about the place? The low-level lighting, funky background music and all-black waitress uniforms do make the place look smart, but the fake plants just seem totally out of place. I swirled the ice cubes around my diet coke, awaiting the inevitable text message to say that Richard would be late. Even the text message was late this time. When it did come through – fifteen minutes after Richard himself should have been here – I merely glanced through for an indication of when he would be here, not bothering with the excuses. Sighing to myself, I smoothed down my black dress and prepared for the wait.

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” came a cheeky voice from behind me. “No, that one won’t work on you. How about, call heaven quick, there’s an angel missing? No, wait, I’ll get it in a minute. What’s a worm do? Get your coat, you’ve pulled? Any of them likely to let me buy you a drink?”

He was tall and athletic, not bronzed exactly but with a weathered look, the sort of tan you only get from working outdoors. Still in muddy shorts, so obviously from the boisterous group of young men that had obviously just finished football training (although I suppose it could have been rugby). Nice smile and scintillating eyes. Quite gorgeous, actually, but a little too pretty for my liking. Listen to me, I sound like a connoisseur of young men already.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 1 (Version VI)

“Come on Caitlin, there’s only you that hasn’t answered!”

“What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. What was the question?”

“This is important, pay attention! Question eleven: have you ever let a man tie you up? Nat and I said yes, and Liz will if she ever stops wasting time and lets you-know-who get into her knickers!”

“Shut up Jen, I’m just making him wait. I just want to make sure, that’s all, just make sure that we’re ready for it!”

“Oh my god, he couldn’t be more ready! His tongue permanently hangs out. He has a thing for you so big you can see it from space! Caitlin, answer the question, we’re nearly there. Ever indulged in a little tying-up?”

“Sorry, no, I’ve never been tied up. Never tied anyone else up. I might have tied someone’s shoes up once or twice, does that count?” I ask, smiling innocently. They all laugh at me. So far I’ve answered no to pretty much every question. Where do they find these silly magazine questionnaires about sex? Is it really necessary to read them all out loud on the tram in the morning? And how is it that I end up answering no all the time? Of the girls that I am with, Liz is the youngest, and even she’s done more than me, if her answers are to be believed. I ask them for the next question, confident that, as the oldest, sooner or later there must be one that I can answer with ‘yes’.

“Okay, question twelve . Ooh, maybe we should skip that. Let’s do thirteen, it’s about anal!”

“What’s wrong with twelve? Ask away.”

“But we know what you’ll say to this one. Oh, what the heck. Question twelve then: have you ever kissed another woman?” Straight away, and in spite of my best attempts not to let it, my face wrinkles up at the prospect.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 6 (Version 3)

When the phone rang just before lunch, I hesitated before picking it up. Given the way that my life was shaping up, it might have been Richard, about to let me down in some other way; it could have been his son, Ben, who had been in touch once already recently at about this time, and whom I’d ended up being fucked senseless by in a toilet; or it could have been my newest friend Jodie, with whom I’d performed a public sex show then had a three way lesbian grouping. Hence my hesitation. I picked it up to find the familiar voice of our receptionist.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 5 (Version 3)

Originally I had no intention at all of meeting Ben again; it was the girls who talked me into it. Once I’d confessed to them that we’d met up for a drink, they were full of questions. None of them particularly like Richard, even though they haven’t met him. But they’ve all been around when I’ve had texts telling me he was going to be late, or heard him on the phone breaking a date. They never thought to ask how far Ben and I had gone on the date, which was good because I wouldn’t have been able to lie very well to them. I did suggest that he seemed ‘interested’, and once that was out they insisted they would frog-march me to meet him if I didn’t agree to go. Surprisingly enough Richard was busy the following night – he had some sort of print worker’s convention that required him to stay overnight – so I was totally free, if I did want to go. I met the girls for lunch, had a glass of wine, and allowed myself to be talked into it.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 4 (Version 3)

The email, when it came, as you and I both knew it would, made its appearance in my in-box two days later. Strategically delivered a half-hour before lunch, so that I would have less time to be able to think of a reasonably watertight excuse for not going, no doubt. It sat there, resplendent in bold text, simply daring me to click on it and open it up. A virtual Pandora’s box for the information age. Should I click on it, and let loose on the world the ills contained therein, or do I have the fortitude to ignore it and simply delete it, consigning it to the trashcan frustrated?

Unfortunately the preview pane was turned on so I could see everything it said straightaway.

It said simply this:

Log into the instant chat messenger.

Strange Relationship – Chapter 3 (Version 3)

Why is it that, when a city centre bar wants to appear up-market, the first thing they do is stick plastic palm trees about the place? The low-level lighting, funky background music and all-black waitress uniforms do make the place look smart, but the fake plants just seem totally out of place. I swirled the ice cubes around my diet coke, awaiting the inevitable text message to say that Richard would be late. Even the text message was late this time. When it did come through – fifteen minutes after Richard himself should have been here – I merely glanced through for an indication of when he would be here, not bothering with the excuses. Sighing to myself, I smoothed down my black dress and prepared for the wait.

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” came a cheeky voice from behind me. “No, that one won’t work on you. How about, call heaven quick, there’s an angel missing? No, wait, I’ll get it in a minute. What’s a worm do? Get your coat, you’ve pulled? Any of them likely to let me buy you a drink?”

Strange Relationship – Chapter 2 (Version 3)

Standing at the bar, sipping a iced diet coke, I check my watch again. I don’t like unpunctuality, and I’m fairly sure that if an Englishman had drawn up the seven deadly sins it would be on there. Actually, make that an Englishwoman. This Englishman obviously has no compunction about leaving a lady standing at the bar. And then I see him making his way over, and there’s the most curious feeling in my chest. I assume it’s some form of tummy upset and resolve to do an extra fifteen minutes of yoga tonight to sort myself out.

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting, couldn’t get off the phone. Honestly, parents, they fuss over me like I’ve just left home.” I hope he doesn’t see my little look of derision, I’m almost certainly old enough to be his mum. “You okay? No delayed after-effects from your little trip?”

“Umm, thanks for that,” I say, unsure of what else to add to it, or indeed, why I am even here.